Havdallah

The Meaning of the Flame: B'nei Mitzvah Are Not a Birthday Parties

Bmitzvah.org: B Mitzvah! The Bar Mitzvah & Bat Mitzvah (R)evolution continues
By: 
Rabbi Goldie Milgram

The flame is a primary Jewish metaphor for the soul. Judaism enjoins us to be careful lest we put out the flame of someone's soul through careless or deliberate words or acts. A few decades ago a Christian caterer started the idea of a candle-lighting ceremony for bar/bat mitzvah parties, thinking it's a nice, normal thing to do at a birthday party. Bar/bat mitzvah is NOT a birthday party in intent, it is about crossing the threshold from childhood to empowered Jewish young adulthood. Besides, Jews don't light candles on Shabbat, no less blow them out! Nor do we blow out Hanukkah or Yartzeit candles. So what could we do that would be more authentically Jewish to honor family & friends?

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The Problem and Repair of the Bar and Bat Mitzvah Candle Lighting Ceremony

B-Mitzvah (R)evolution
By: 
Rabbi Goldie Milgram

This article teaches unique and meaningful ways to convey honor and blessing to special people present at a rite of passage, for example, a bar or bat mitzvah. The birthday cake strategy with candles present that are lit with nice things being said about family members was invented by a Christian caterer and become mistakenly adopted during some bar and bat mitzvah parties. That caterer didn't understand a) That candles are lit to start and end the Sabbath, never during it and b) that a bar and bat mitzvah is not a 12th or 13th birthday party.

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